The Youngest, Freshest 125-Year-Olds Around.

Does that phrase seem like a bit of a dichotomy to you, readers? Because it should. Because it is. That does not seem to be something Mercedez Benz understands, or at least something they choose to overlook.

These ads were actually heard on the radio rather than television, and the two we've heard so far make damn sure to squeeze those buzzwords right into that 30-second timeslot (no "that's what she said" jokes, okay).

Like most advertising, it makes very little sense if you take the extra couple seconds to step back and look at the message in the context of what its actually selling; what the product actually is and how much of a relation it actually has to the theme of the ad containing it. These ones are selling a luxury car that's been around for roughly one hundred and twenty-five YEARS by pairing it with the words "young" and "fresh." We hope that makes your head hurt as much as ours does.

This fundamental flaw is caused entirely by the lies in the language. By using the aforementioned words in the context they do, Benz is implying that "young" and "fresh" mean the same thing as "innovative", "intelligent", and perhaps "daring." By extension they hope to associate those traits with their vehicles, and by even further extension, their customers will believe those traits acquired themselves if they could only get their asses in the seat of a new Mercedes Benz.



Looking down our noses at you since...well, since always.

The reality? There's no connection whatsoever between the machines Mercedes sells and the meaningless buzzphrases they throw around. More accurately, its an entirely mental one built on the pretension of their core customer base: people that sell the same kind of empty crap to others for a living on a regular basis. But perhaps we're generalizing.

The fact that they try to sell the "youth" angle while actually telling you they're 125 years old in their ad is proof of the shameless, spin-doctor-esque pandering they don't think we'll see. Oh, our apologies. They're not 125 years old, they're "backed by 125 years of innovation."

Going further, this also serves up proof of how youth-obsessed a small but heavily publicized portion of our population is. We're not all like that, but we're constantly inundated with reminders that we should be. Every new makeup, shampoo, and juicebox that comes out has "anti-aging" properties backed by the latest natural, antioxidant, stem-cell, infant tear sciency-science. These ads are aimed almost exclusively at people in places like Los Angeles and New York, who tend to be involved in youth-worshiping showbusiness, but not everyone takes that into account.

Just watch out for that ever-present bullsh*t, readers. And maybe key a Mercedes next time you see one parked sideways, taking up two spaces. Seriously, who do they think they are.

P.S. Yes, we kind of ripped off "Cracked.com" a little with the caption picture. Suck it.

It Pays The Doctors. Boy.

You may have heard about the recent search for a new voice to squawk forth from the Aflac duck's infamous beak. Or maybe, since you undoubtedly have a life, you haven't. You might not even know that the original voice-over-er of said duck, Gilbert Gottfried, was recently let go because of some Twitter-based remarks. Well, there was, and he was. Which brings us to the decidedly un-historical unveiling of the new commercial.

We found ourselves laughing, unexpectedly. Because, readers, the star of this commercial is not the Aflac duck. Oh no. Its the Major Medical pigeon. This pigeon, who obviously hails from the mean streets, challenges the duck to a dance off in front of a peaceful park bench with two broken-legged citizens as witnesses. The pigeon is then soundly defeated, but that doesn't change the fact that we want, and would wear every day, a t-shirt with the phrase, "pays the doctaz, BOI!" and the Major Medical pigeon. With wings tauntingly outstretched, of course.

Whimsical nature of the commercial aside, the behavior of the dancing fowl does raise an interesting point. Gottfried was fired from what we assume is the best (and practically only) work he's had in years because of a couple of jokes about Japan's situation. Said jokes have been called racist; we're of the mind that they lean more towards callous and insensitive.

The question is this: are the jokes made in this commercial any better? The comedy does play on racial stereotypes to a degree. It appears harmless, but it could be said that the pigeons are behaving like stereotypical Black people. It could also be said that it wasn't just that group of people that became swept up by the break-dancing fad of the 80s, and the joke was made at the expense of that culture rather than Black people. We're of the mind that it behooves anyone who thinks the former to acquire a sense of humor and/or cram it, but don't let that influence your opinion if you feel differently; we'd love to hear from you.