We're Quitting This Gig To Become Pirates.

Sorry y'all. We've had a great run here at TIA, but it has become clear that the only life for us is a pirate's life, and the man responsible is Captain Henry Morgan.

Now, in the past we've ragged pretty heavily on ad campaigns for alcohol, because they're usually incredibly idiotic. Sometimes, however, it actually gets done right. Having said that, its only with their newest advertisements that the Cap'n has actually begun to shine. Commercials for Captain Morgan in the past have been your run-of-the-mill, frat humor laden, mediocre booze ads. So what changed?

To begin, drastically increased production value. The commercials look amazing. Also, there's a kind of ongoing story throughout the ads that, at the very least, is mildly interesting. Captain Henry Morgan is depicted as a handsome "man's man" type of dude, but at the same time is not an incredibly abstract "Chuck Norris" character. He seems like a guy you could swap stories with over a beer. Or, you know...some Captain Morgan. In every mini story, he's the one that keeps everything chill instead of kicking everyone's ass. Whether that's achieved by chucking glasses around or executing a perfect double front flip dive off the plank depends on the commercial.

The soundtrack on many of these ads is amazing. Songs featured include Iggy Pop's "The Passenger" and "Ball and Biscuit" by the White Stripes, and its easy to tell that some thought went into picking the right song for the right scene.

Now, all of that aside, its still apparent that this campaign shares something with its more mediocre counterparts: the commercials still have absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol itself. They serve to build and reinforce an image, just like those murder-inducing Jose Cuervo spots we discussed a few entries back. However, this one actually has some thought behind it, and does NOT try to act as if the things in the actually happen to real people. Also, no one says the word "cue." Not one time. It was great.

We invite you to watch the main ad below, and explore the others that the Cap'n has put out (spoiler alert: shameless Pirates reference). Maybe when you're finished you can help us figure out why all the rum is gone. Savvy?

1-800-DEBT-MART.

We know that's an eight-digit phone number, shut up.

Hey readers! We thought we'd finally come out of hiding to talk to y'all about something pretty important that's been at the back of our minds constantly of late. It also coincides quite nicely with the current economical state of affairs here in the U.S.of A.

That is to say, biggity brokeness.

Unless you're some kind of protozoa living on the bottom of the ocean, you've undoubtedly heard that our country's credit rating has been lowered from triple A awesome to double A Plus not-as-great. This precipitated 500-point drops in the DOW, mass riots, looting, and goat-sacrificing in the streets as people babbled frantic prayers to the Economy. Several decades worth of anecdotal evidence has already proven that Economy is a cold, aloof God however, so their prayers went unheard and unanswered, and the streets ran red with madness.

Oh, that didn't happen? Right, the media just made it seem as if that happened. As per usual. Despite the lack of goat sacrifices though, this is still the latest and most crippling symptom of the flawed political and economical system we live with. People are talking about a "double-dip" recession. We didn't know "recession" was a flavor of ice cream, but that's neither here nor there.

"Good lord, this is already as long as the last post we read, and we only read that because we felt sorry for you. Get to the point." We will, you don't have to be a dick about it. What this recent economic sh*tstorm has made us notice is all the "1-800-LOAN-MART" commercials and their ilk plaguing our television and radio.

Furniture stores and places like Rent-A-Center have commercials airing with lines like, "No credit? No problem!" Car dealerships continue to offer financing to people with horrible credit and things like DUIs on their records. Cash advance places have you put up your car as collateral, meaning they can take your means of transportation if you cannot pay the loan back which, let's be honest, you won't be able to if you're using a cash advance service. This type of irresponsible "you won't REALLY have to pay for it" marketing and services are helping absolutely no one. In fact, they make the problem worse.

It was people trying to live beyond their means in the housing market that were a large part of the 2008 market collapse, and people are still being foreclosed on by their banks three years later. Unemployment has skyrocketed. Congress are acting like a day care center full of petulant brats instead of civil servants. Something needs to change. As a country, we need to stop living beyond our means to achieve an American dream that doesn't really exist for a large group of the population and was nebulously defined to begin with. We can tell you how. All you have to do is buy our book and give us all your money.

Happy Pills.

Readers, the irresponsibility of supplement marketing never ceases to amaze us. For lo and behold, what should we come across while watching Comedy Central at the not-that-late hour of 11p.m.-ish than a shady advertisement for the world's ten millionth miracle "happy pill," Welltabs.

The middle-aged and quite motherly looking spokeswoman tells you that this little supplement will solve all your problems. That crappy mood you're always in. That physical weakness you've been feeling. The constant anxiety. Your long-since-derailed marriage. Hell, it'll even bring your dead cat Snookums back to life, without all the "Pet Cemetery" side effects. Oh, and none of these claims have been, or are required to be, evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. But whatever, right? Pseudo-mom's never steered you wrong before.

Turns out that according to WebMD, the active ingredient in Welltabs, Withania Somnifera, is a derivative of the Ashwagandha root, none of the effects of which have ever been proven definitively. It's listed as "containing chemicals that MIGHT calm the brain, reduce swelling, lower blood pressure, and alter the immune system (our emphasis on the word 'might')."

It would appear to us that Welltabs are (spoiler alert, lulz) a glorified placebo. One made all the more potent by the fact that it may actually have some physical effect. There is no miracle pill to cure all of life's problems. If you're in a sh*t mood all the time, chances are it may have something to do with your terrible job, terrible house, and the fact that you never quite finished that Associate's Degree.

Would you like to have more energy readers? Exercise. Better mood? Exercise again. Wanna not be fat? Change your diet. You see where we're going here. By and large, society would have you believe that buying some quick-fix product will solve every problem you have, even the ones you didn't know you had until they told you. This is essentially offering a band-aid for a compound fracture, but they could care less as long as you give them your money. Absolutely repugnant.

The Youngest, Freshest 125-Year-Olds Around.

Does that phrase seem like a bit of a dichotomy to you, readers? Because it should. Because it is. That does not seem to be something Mercedez Benz understands, or at least something they choose to overlook.

These ads were actually heard on the radio rather than television, and the two we've heard so far make damn sure to squeeze those buzzwords right into that 30-second timeslot (no "that's what she said" jokes, okay).

Like most advertising, it makes very little sense if you take the extra couple seconds to step back and look at the message in the context of what its actually selling; what the product actually is and how much of a relation it actually has to the theme of the ad containing it. These ones are selling a luxury car that's been around for roughly one hundred and twenty-five YEARS by pairing it with the words "young" and "fresh." We hope that makes your head hurt as much as ours does.

This fundamental flaw is caused entirely by the lies in the language. By using the aforementioned words in the context they do, Benz is implying that "young" and "fresh" mean the same thing as "innovative", "intelligent", and perhaps "daring." By extension they hope to associate those traits with their vehicles, and by even further extension, their customers will believe those traits acquired themselves if they could only get their asses in the seat of a new Mercedes Benz.



Looking down our noses at you since...well, since always.

The reality? There's no connection whatsoever between the machines Mercedes sells and the meaningless buzzphrases they throw around. More accurately, its an entirely mental one built on the pretension of their core customer base: people that sell the same kind of empty crap to others for a living on a regular basis. But perhaps we're generalizing.

The fact that they try to sell the "youth" angle while actually telling you they're 125 years old in their ad is proof of the shameless, spin-doctor-esque pandering they don't think we'll see. Oh, our apologies. They're not 125 years old, they're "backed by 125 years of innovation."

Going further, this also serves up proof of how youth-obsessed a small but heavily publicized portion of our population is. We're not all like that, but we're constantly inundated with reminders that we should be. Every new makeup, shampoo, and juicebox that comes out has "anti-aging" properties backed by the latest natural, antioxidant, stem-cell, infant tear sciency-science. These ads are aimed almost exclusively at people in places like Los Angeles and New York, who tend to be involved in youth-worshiping showbusiness, but not everyone takes that into account.

Just watch out for that ever-present bullsh*t, readers. And maybe key a Mercedes next time you see one parked sideways, taking up two spaces. Seriously, who do they think they are.

P.S. Yes, we kind of ripped off "Cracked.com" a little with the caption picture. Suck it.

It Pays The Doctors. Boy.

You may have heard about the recent search for a new voice to squawk forth from the Aflac duck's infamous beak. Or maybe, since you undoubtedly have a life, you haven't. You might not even know that the original voice-over-er of said duck, Gilbert Gottfried, was recently let go because of some Twitter-based remarks. Well, there was, and he was. Which brings us to the decidedly un-historical unveiling of the new commercial.

We found ourselves laughing, unexpectedly. Because, readers, the star of this commercial is not the Aflac duck. Oh no. Its the Major Medical pigeon. This pigeon, who obviously hails from the mean streets, challenges the duck to a dance off in front of a peaceful park bench with two broken-legged citizens as witnesses. The pigeon is then soundly defeated, but that doesn't change the fact that we want, and would wear every day, a t-shirt with the phrase, "pays the doctaz, BOI!" and the Major Medical pigeon. With wings tauntingly outstretched, of course.

Whimsical nature of the commercial aside, the behavior of the dancing fowl does raise an interesting point. Gottfried was fired from what we assume is the best (and practically only) work he's had in years because of a couple of jokes about Japan's situation. Said jokes have been called racist; we're of the mind that they lean more towards callous and insensitive.

The question is this: are the jokes made in this commercial any better? The comedy does play on racial stereotypes to a degree. It appears harmless, but it could be said that the pigeons are behaving like stereotypical Black people. It could also be said that it wasn't just that group of people that became swept up by the break-dancing fad of the 80s, and the joke was made at the expense of that culture rather than Black people. We're of the mind that it behooves anyone who thinks the former to acquire a sense of humor and/or cram it, but don't let that influence your opinion if you feel differently; we'd love to hear from you.

So Hey...This Is An Actual Thing.

Every once in a while, readers, something comes our way which the world has an absolutely dire need to know about. This is one such thing. Its a dating website...for cougars. Just in case the name "cougarlife.com" didn't spell that out for you.

We've discussed online dating before, however this ad brought to mind all the other skeevy, niche-market sites floating around out there. One might say, "but wait, a dating website for older women isn't such a sketchy thing," and you'd be right. If they didn't present it in the way that they do.

The commercial, with its catchy jingle that we just know will be stuck in your head for days (you're welcome), looks almost like something you'd see in the wee hours of the morning right after those ads so generously informing you of the "hot singles" waiting to talk to you on the big plastic phone you totally still have.

Cougarlife.com also makes sure to tell us they were voted "the wildest online dating site." Oh really. By who, the scruffy deviant burning up his keyboard mid-commercial? They're saying "come here for sex with older women," basically. The best part? The cheesy cougar snarl sound effect right at the end.

And this is just one tiny mote of skeez in the storm that is the internet. Among the sleaziest in the online dating realm are websites that help people cheat on their spouses/significant others/whatever you'd like to call them. And no, we're not going to name or link you to any of them; they deserve no traffic. Our take on that particular subject? If you're cheating on whoever it is that you're with, sack up and end the relationship. If you're a lady, take that metaphorically.

But we digress. Check the cougarlife ad out. Listen to the jingle. Sing the jingle at work and make people look at you funny. Just don't be surprised if you join and get bombarded with requests from a 500-pound cat lady, because no, they're not all as hot as the ones in the commercial. Duh.

P.S. please pay no attention to the weird man in his underwear after the cougarlife.com ad ends. We're pretty sure someone recorded this on their television while watching Comedy Central, and it was the only good version of this commercial we could find. Carry on.

Aggression...In Its Most Pretentious Form.

Now, readers, we've always had a grudge against those who would use the egregious power of a luxury car like, say, a Mercedes or an Audi, to drive like a flaming douchebag. That's why the new Acura ad had us genuinely interested...until the end. When they basically endorsed that kind of behavior.

The cello music in the background (apparently an original score just for the commercial), the dark color palette, and the effects used were all pretty unique. They even had a good basic idea. Everything flows quite smoothly until the announcer starts talking: "It works with cars. It works with people. Acura; aggression in its most refined form."

On the surface this may not seem like an endorsement of douche-like behavior. But look just a little closer. Aggression. What crowd are they marketing that idea to? The people who can afford an Acura, meaning upper-middle to upper class. Probably predominantly connected to the field of business in some way. The people selling this car are pairing the ideals of wealth and luxury with aggression, and thereby attaching to it a positive connotation.

Granted, this happens on a very subconscious level, but neither is it an accident that the voiceover is worded in that way. It speaks to the fact that a cutthroat demeanor is still seemingly prized as the trait of a successful person as conventionally defined in mainstream American culture. In turn, people in that echelon of society, thinking it a mark of status, begin to act in a selfish, almost anti-social way. These same people then buy luxury cars, like Acuras, and cut us off on the 405. See? It all comes full circle.