Happy Pills.

Readers, the irresponsibility of supplement marketing never ceases to amaze us. For lo and behold, what should we come across while watching Comedy Central at the not-that-late hour of 11p.m.-ish than a shady advertisement for the world's ten millionth miracle "happy pill," Welltabs.

The middle-aged and quite motherly looking spokeswoman tells you that this little supplement will solve all your problems. That crappy mood you're always in. That physical weakness you've been feeling. The constant anxiety. Your long-since-derailed marriage. Hell, it'll even bring your dead cat Snookums back to life, without all the "Pet Cemetery" side effects. Oh, and none of these claims have been, or are required to be, evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. But whatever, right? Pseudo-mom's never steered you wrong before.

Turns out that according to WebMD, the active ingredient in Welltabs, Withania Somnifera, is a derivative of the Ashwagandha root, none of the effects of which have ever been proven definitively. It's listed as "containing chemicals that MIGHT calm the brain, reduce swelling, lower blood pressure, and alter the immune system (our emphasis on the word 'might')."

It would appear to us that Welltabs are (spoiler alert, lulz) a glorified placebo. One made all the more potent by the fact that it may actually have some physical effect. There is no miracle pill to cure all of life's problems. If you're in a sh*t mood all the time, chances are it may have something to do with your terrible job, terrible house, and the fact that you never quite finished that Associate's Degree.

Would you like to have more energy readers? Exercise. Better mood? Exercise again. Wanna not be fat? Change your diet. You see where we're going here. By and large, society would have you believe that buying some quick-fix product will solve every problem you have, even the ones you didn't know you had until they told you. This is essentially offering a band-aid for a compound fracture, but they could care less as long as you give them your money. Absolutely repugnant.

The Youngest, Freshest 125-Year-Olds Around.

Does that phrase seem like a bit of a dichotomy to you, readers? Because it should. Because it is. That does not seem to be something Mercedez Benz understands, or at least something they choose to overlook.

These ads were actually heard on the radio rather than television, and the two we've heard so far make damn sure to squeeze those buzzwords right into that 30-second timeslot (no "that's what she said" jokes, okay).

Like most advertising, it makes very little sense if you take the extra couple seconds to step back and look at the message in the context of what its actually selling; what the product actually is and how much of a relation it actually has to the theme of the ad containing it. These ones are selling a luxury car that's been around for roughly one hundred and twenty-five YEARS by pairing it with the words "young" and "fresh." We hope that makes your head hurt as much as ours does.

This fundamental flaw is caused entirely by the lies in the language. By using the aforementioned words in the context they do, Benz is implying that "young" and "fresh" mean the same thing as "innovative", "intelligent", and perhaps "daring." By extension they hope to associate those traits with their vehicles, and by even further extension, their customers will believe those traits acquired themselves if they could only get their asses in the seat of a new Mercedes Benz.



Looking down our noses at you since...well, since always.

The reality? There's no connection whatsoever between the machines Mercedes sells and the meaningless buzzphrases they throw around. More accurately, its an entirely mental one built on the pretension of their core customer base: people that sell the same kind of empty crap to others for a living on a regular basis. But perhaps we're generalizing.

The fact that they try to sell the "youth" angle while actually telling you they're 125 years old in their ad is proof of the shameless, spin-doctor-esque pandering they don't think we'll see. Oh, our apologies. They're not 125 years old, they're "backed by 125 years of innovation."

Going further, this also serves up proof of how youth-obsessed a small but heavily publicized portion of our population is. We're not all like that, but we're constantly inundated with reminders that we should be. Every new makeup, shampoo, and juicebox that comes out has "anti-aging" properties backed by the latest natural, antioxidant, stem-cell, infant tear sciency-science. These ads are aimed almost exclusively at people in places like Los Angeles and New York, who tend to be involved in youth-worshiping showbusiness, but not everyone takes that into account.

Just watch out for that ever-present bullsh*t, readers. And maybe key a Mercedes next time you see one parked sideways, taking up two spaces. Seriously, who do they think they are.

P.S. Yes, we kind of ripped off "Cracked.com" a little with the caption picture. Suck it.

It Pays The Doctors. Boy.

You may have heard about the recent search for a new voice to squawk forth from the Aflac duck's infamous beak. Or maybe, since you undoubtedly have a life, you haven't. You might not even know that the original voice-over-er of said duck, Gilbert Gottfried, was recently let go because of some Twitter-based remarks. Well, there was, and he was. Which brings us to the decidedly un-historical unveiling of the new commercial.

We found ourselves laughing, unexpectedly. Because, readers, the star of this commercial is not the Aflac duck. Oh no. Its the Major Medical pigeon. This pigeon, who obviously hails from the mean streets, challenges the duck to a dance off in front of a peaceful park bench with two broken-legged citizens as witnesses. The pigeon is then soundly defeated, but that doesn't change the fact that we want, and would wear every day, a t-shirt with the phrase, "pays the doctaz, BOI!" and the Major Medical pigeon. With wings tauntingly outstretched, of course.

Whimsical nature of the commercial aside, the behavior of the dancing fowl does raise an interesting point. Gottfried was fired from what we assume is the best (and practically only) work he's had in years because of a couple of jokes about Japan's situation. Said jokes have been called racist; we're of the mind that they lean more towards callous and insensitive.

The question is this: are the jokes made in this commercial any better? The comedy does play on racial stereotypes to a degree. It appears harmless, but it could be said that the pigeons are behaving like stereotypical Black people. It could also be said that it wasn't just that group of people that became swept up by the break-dancing fad of the 80s, and the joke was made at the expense of that culture rather than Black people. We're of the mind that it behooves anyone who thinks the former to acquire a sense of humor and/or cram it, but don't let that influence your opinion if you feel differently; we'd love to hear from you.

So Hey...This Is An Actual Thing.

Every once in a while, readers, something comes our way which the world has an absolutely dire need to know about. This is one such thing. Its a dating website...for cougars. Just in case the name "cougarlife.com" didn't spell that out for you.

We've discussed online dating before, however this ad brought to mind all the other skeevy, niche-market sites floating around out there. One might say, "but wait, a dating website for older women isn't such a sketchy thing," and you'd be right. If they didn't present it in the way that they do.

The commercial, with its catchy jingle that we just know will be stuck in your head for days (you're welcome), looks almost like something you'd see in the wee hours of the morning right after those ads so generously informing you of the "hot singles" waiting to talk to you on the big plastic phone you totally still have.

Cougarlife.com also makes sure to tell us they were voted "the wildest online dating site." Oh really. By who, the scruffy deviant burning up his keyboard mid-commercial? They're saying "come here for sex with older women," basically. The best part? The cheesy cougar snarl sound effect right at the end.

And this is just one tiny mote of skeez in the storm that is the internet. Among the sleaziest in the online dating realm are websites that help people cheat on their spouses/significant others/whatever you'd like to call them. And no, we're not going to name or link you to any of them; they deserve no traffic. Our take on that particular subject? If you're cheating on whoever it is that you're with, sack up and end the relationship. If you're a lady, take that metaphorically.

But we digress. Check the cougarlife ad out. Listen to the jingle. Sing the jingle at work and make people look at you funny. Just don't be surprised if you join and get bombarded with requests from a 500-pound cat lady, because no, they're not all as hot as the ones in the commercial. Duh.

P.S. please pay no attention to the weird man in his underwear after the cougarlife.com ad ends. We're pretty sure someone recorded this on their television while watching Comedy Central, and it was the only good version of this commercial we could find. Carry on.

Aggression...In Its Most Pretentious Form.

Now, readers, we've always had a grudge against those who would use the egregious power of a luxury car like, say, a Mercedes or an Audi, to drive like a flaming douchebag. That's why the new Acura ad had us genuinely interested...until the end. When they basically endorsed that kind of behavior.

The cello music in the background (apparently an original score just for the commercial), the dark color palette, and the effects used were all pretty unique. They even had a good basic idea. Everything flows quite smoothly until the announcer starts talking: "It works with cars. It works with people. Acura; aggression in its most refined form."

On the surface this may not seem like an endorsement of douche-like behavior. But look just a little closer. Aggression. What crowd are they marketing that idea to? The people who can afford an Acura, meaning upper-middle to upper class. Probably predominantly connected to the field of business in some way. The people selling this car are pairing the ideals of wealth and luxury with aggression, and thereby attaching to it a positive connotation.

Granted, this happens on a very subconscious level, but neither is it an accident that the voiceover is worded in that way. It speaks to the fact that a cutthroat demeanor is still seemingly prized as the trait of a successful person as conventionally defined in mainstream American culture. In turn, people in that echelon of society, thinking it a mark of status, begin to act in a selfish, almost anti-social way. These same people then buy luxury cars, like Acuras, and cut us off on the 405. See? It all comes full circle.

"Cue" The Idiocy.

"Cue the tables. Cue the chairs. Cue the crowd. Cue the lights. Cue the bar. Cue the..." It goes on, and on, and on, until you forget you're watching a thirty second commercial and slowly begin to slip into madness. The kind of madness that occurs when a word is said so many times, it loses its meaning and begins to sound strange despite a lifetime of use (seriously, say "floor" about fifty times and see if you don't start having an existential crisis).

Yes, like a denizen of outer space that only has fragmented images of Broadway as a guide to understanding our culture, the new Jose Cuervo tequila ads find it necessary to "cue" everything. Oh, they did that because the word "cue" is already in the product title? Genius.

Snappy wordplay aside, there's another reason entirely that this campaign rubs us the wrong way like coarse-grade sandpaper. It follows the time-honored alcohol advertisement tradition of depicting the "good time" had by all when you're out pouring it into your head. That (and the cake) is, more often that not, a lie. We're not all pretty, trendy white kids that live within walking distance of high-end bars and pretentious loft apartments, either. And if we were, we wouldn't drink Jose Cuervo.

In reality, we figure the voice-over would be something more like: "Cue the skeevy dive bar. A few shots later, cue the meth-addled hooker you'd never normally talk to. Cue the cab ride back to her place. Cue waking up to a pretty damn awkward breakfast on skid row. Cue the Cuervo."

Alright, so it probably wouldn't be that bad, but we think you can see what we're trying to infer. If you don't go out and drink Cuervo tonight, reader, rest assured that you probably won't be missing out on the The Greatest Night of Your Life. We hope that helps you collectively breathe a little easier.

Lightning In A Bottle.

Guess who's back. Back again. Blog is back. But, don't tell a friend; no one knows we're staying here and we'd like to keep it that way for a while. Low pro kid, low pro. But methinks we doth digress too much.

With this entry we've decided to continue the trend we began in our last post of looking at, well, trends in the advertising world. Perhaps we should explain that by "trend" we mean that we've noticed a similarity in subject matter across the ad spectrum, from eyeglasses to soda: it seems that it has become very desirable to pair one's product with the nebulous force of "creativity." Specifically, to imply that one's product is the secret to unlocking said force.

It can be found in any medium: a poster for Oakley's prescription eyeglasses adorning a Lenscrafters wall reads, "Perform beautifully." Pictured is a female musician standing in front of a microphone, wearing a pair of Oakley specs. A television ad for Sprite brand soda depicts a conglomeration of ideas bombarding a screenwriter after he takes a sip of the soda. The slogan? "Its the spark." The implication is glaringly obvious.

Why is it that a large portion of Americans seem to respond more to a product if its endorsed by celebrities in the creative field, particularly actors or musicians? Why is it that we apparently want to be so much like them, or rather that they are depicted as the ideal? Is it because they seem to us to be the more successful people in our society, because they've achieved a high level of monetary gain while simultaneously remaining free of the Man, man? Is that actually true?

There's nothing wrong with being in the creative field, if you have the talent for it (although the definition of talent lately could be called dubious in large part), but why do we have "celebrities" endorsing every product? Why not scientists or authors or the like, if the product or charity or whatever this week's cause is merits that? They are also creators, though not in the sense that has become mainstream. What we have now in where society sees fit to place reverence or respect seems to be the equivalent of someone defining "culture" as being merely music and food.

Read it, digest it, and don't get gas from it, fantastic people. It does your body good, without that annoying mustache. Let us know your take on it, and we'll do our best to respond promptly and foster discussion. Some examples we've seen on television are posted below.

Sprite "spark" ad:



Diet Coke ad: