Shhh, No Words. Just Piano.

Here at TIA, we believe that there are some product mascots that could give even the fabled Chuck Norris a run for his money in the bad-assery department. Very few, but there are some. We're gonna throw a name at you, are you ready for this? Chester Cheetah. Don't you walk away from this blog before we make our case. Sit back down.

Whether he's whispering in people's ears, telling them to stuff some Cheetos up the nose of that noisy, snoring passenger on the red-eye flight, or conducting experiments with frightening little Cheeto bees and men in oompa-loompa getups, he is everywhere. And with his perpetual sunglasses and white tufts of hair, he's like the guy who created the matrix-or colonel Sanders-but cooler. And with no greasy, gag-inducing chicken to worry about.

The bottom line is, Chester Cheetah can make people do things. Mischievous things. Not-quite-horrible things. Disregarding the fact that the dust from his snacks gives us the screaming willies when its on our fingers, that is a trait to be admired.

The latest incarnation of double C is manifested in a piano store, playing "Chopsticks" (quite badly) over and over again next to a homely looking woman who could either be the bellhop at the hotel across the street or work at the store (we're not entirely sure, but based on her attire we'd bank on the former). A man who boldly snacks in unconventional places (like piano stores) is bugged so hard that he has to speak up, and hilarity ensues.

The ad only has one line, really all we need, and still manages to fill us with pleasant schadenfreude while at the same time be slightly off-putting. Don't worry, we'll link you to the definition. Keep it up, Chester.

"Eat Both Squares, Please."

Sharks. Kodiak bears of the deep. Nightmare machines. Eaters of...Snickers. Yeah buddy. As if there weren't enough reasons why sharks gave you the screaming heebie-jeebies, now they're coming after your snack food. Specifically, after you've already eaten it.

Snickers now comes in a dual-square package, apparently, and they've decided to test this product out on focus groups full of the deep-sea predators. The ad has a gaggle of them in a conference room discussing which of two different people they ate was more scrumptious. The consensus, of course, being Steve. The one who'd just eaten Snickers.

We think the concept for the ad was brilliant. In large part, ads for Snickers have been hit and miss; trying for but never quite getting that laugh generated from the completely random comedy that's worked so well for companies like Doritos. However, shark focus groups have been dynamite for the Snickers business plan. In fact, we can see other companies following suit: your next cell phone tested for durability by a pride of lions, perhaps.

And really, our eyes have been opened to what sparkling conversationalists sharks can be. And so polite! Why, one of them even said "please" after asking the next hapless intern that stumbled into the room to eat both squares.

So reader, now that we've gotten you into the mood (what?), this week we'd like you to weigh in on the issue of comedy in advertising. There are no limitations on medium; we won't force you to discuss strictly television ads.

Do you think its an effective tool? Does it make you remember the ad any better? If you've heard a funny one on the radio or something in your favorite magazine made you giggle like a little schoolgirl, let us know about it. Until next week, stay the hell out of the water.

Don't Get Shot Bitch.

Season two of cable network FX's newbie drama Justified is so close, we can taste the chewin' tabacca already. We decided to go ahead and ramp up that anticipation a little further by drawing the reader's attention to the teaser trailer for season "dos."

But first, a quick overview of the show for those who may have, for whatever reason, been hiding under a rock and not fulfilling your television-watching duties as an American. Based on the novels of Elmore Leonard, the show follows the travels, trials and bullet casings of US Marshall Rayland Givens. Reassigned to his backwoods hometown after shooting mobster Tommy Bucks in cold blood ( who was given 48 hours to leave town, only fair), Givens finds himself up to his stylish, wide-brimmed Stetson in the criminal element. The only logical course left to him is to go about dispensing gritty, gun-slinging justice.

The minute and a half trailer is a recap of season one, full of signature scenes and one-liners from Rayland. Our favorite is the an exchange between Rayland and an unfortunate thug he happened to get the drop on: "Next time I see you, I'll kill you." "Isn't that the line you used on Tommy Bucks?" "Yes. How'd that work out for him?"

We'd like to offer specific kudos to whomever picked the song ("Little Lovin" by an artist named Lissie: alliteration win). The music is a sort of cross between honky tonk and folk rock that at once sets the tone and brings the package together, tying it all up neatly with a bow of gritty, Southern bad-assery.

We're looking forward to more shooting, more intrigue, and more gallows wit in the second season. FX hasn't let us down before, we doubt they will now. Are you hearing us, FX? Do right by us, or we'll shoot you. With mind bullets.

"Kreep" Begins With K, If You Spell It Wrong.

With the fabled "holiday season" *cough* Christmas *cough* just recently behind us, we're sure all those warm memories are still fresh in your heads. Visions of sugarplums. Family dinners. A roaring fire. Mostly though, the constant deluge of jewelry and fragrance commercials.

Now, without exception all of these commercials are painfully shmaltzy, but the gilded crown of corniness goes to none other than Kay Jewelers. Its difficult for us to know where to begin tearing this marketing campaign to pretty little confetti-like shreds, but the bald emotional manipulation seems as good a place as any to start.

All of the ads for Kay's "love's embrace" collection depict a man showing his love for a woman by giving her some gaudy (and more often than not ridiculous-looking) rock. While on the surface, just about anyone will tell you they don't feel compelled to go out and buy a diamond just because of a stupid commercial, the subconscious cues used here set these ridiculous circumstances as cultural norms.

Women feel like their man doesn't love them if he doesn't spend three months' salary on a hunk of rock to adorn their digit. Men feel like they aren't macho enough if they don't have the green to drop on one. It all becomes another instance of materialism masquerading as affection. Besides, all of that, some poor children in Africa probably died digging that diamond out of some rat-hole mineshaft. You just bought your boo a blood diamond. You feel good about that, crew-neck creeper guy? Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Diamonds are murder.

Add to that weird settings and atrocious acting, and you've got a recipe for victory. If you define victory as an advertisement abomination. One of the commercials, which we'll post below because we know you've all seen it, is set in a log cabin during a raging storm. We'll skip past asking why they decided to get all rustic during hurricane Ike and point out that this is how EVERY single slasher movie starts. Jason broke out and slew everyone in that commercial as soon as the cameras were done rolling.

Come to think of it, it may actually have been the woman's husband that did the killing, because the creepiness of the men in these commercials is surpassed by none, and we say that with love. We recommend taking a look at another commercial in the series just to drive the point home. In it, the man proposing responds to his lady saying she, "doesn't remember this place," by saying "you will," in a tone that would have us busting out the glass and grabbing for the emergency fire hatchet. Just watch it.

We may be overreacting. There are women everywhere who will dispute the claims of materialism and insist large hunks of minerals on their fingers or necks have emotional value. The belief seems deeply ingrained in us. You, reader, may think we're insane. For the record, we ARE broke and bitter. As always, the final word is really up to you. Creepy cabin ad, comin' atcha.