If Your Dog Is Fat...F*ck You.

We hear people say all the time that our nation has a problem with obesity. Those people are usually hipsters, Al Gore, or Morgan Spurlock, but this may just prove it. Dear and cherished readers, we give you...a weight loss program for your dog.

The tireless minds at Hill Science Diet pet food have indeed come up with a new 30-day plan to help your pet lose weight and get healthier. They've even teamed up with actress Alison Sweeney (of The Biggest Loser and Days of Our Lives fame) to boost their image, perhaps hoping that people will take her current gig hosting the weight loss reality show as expertise of some kind.

Hill's web page for the product extolls the virtues of its plan through the use of portion control and small snack biscuits to keep your pet "satisfied" between meals. As we sat there, eyes agog and mouth hanging open, we had to wonder: what have we come to if we need portion control for. Our. Dogs.

Here's a novel thought: if your dog is fat, take it for a walk. Or better yet, a run. Pets need exercise. A lot of it. We were under the impression that was one of the first things one learns when they get their first dog as a bright-eyed child. Feed it regularly, make sure it goes to the bathroom outside, and WALK IT.

It would appear, however, that people would rather hemorrhage money buying expensive "plans" for their dog than take it on a walk every once in a while. Not really surprising, given the fact that some humans would rather undergo major surgery than attempt lifestyle changes that require a modicum of discipline (note: we are not saying that everyone that goes out to get the lap band and/or gastric bypass surgery is lazy. we realize there is sometimes no alternative. now cue the "the more you know" star and get out of our faces).

What's your take readers? You know we love hearing from you. You never call. You never write. We're just a little worried.

When The Pigs Try To Get At You...Drink A Soda.

Summer is coming. The air is getting warmer, the days are getting longer, and if you live near the coast, the freaks are coming out. Specifically, the Sun Drop chick.

Yes, the mascot of this citrus-tastic beverage looks like she moonwalked directly out of Napoleon Dynamite and onto your screen, and she's "droppin' it" across the nation. Honestly, when we saw this woman we knew not whether to laugh or cry...we were mesmerized.

Which isn't surprising given that the whole advert goes for that head-scratchingly random vibe we've become increasingly familiar with lately. Exhibit A: random dancing everywhere from a yoga class to a fishing boat. Some differences stand out though.

For one thing, Sun Drop chick just seems super friendly, which makes no sense considering the extremely provocative dance she's doing. If she backed it up next to our car window, we'd try to give her a hug. And she'd probably let us. Probably. Another thing on the less positive side: the voiceover actor for this commercial sounds like the bastard child of Tracy Morgan and Marlon Brando in The Godfather; pretty much Tracy Morgan with a mouthful of marbles. That makes us angry.

Now, this is a recent commercial we have seen only moments ago, yet it has already become something of a sensation, spawning a Mountain Dew parody and other spoof videos on YouTube. Another thing to pop in the "revelations" file: this soda has wet the whistles of people in the good ol' souf' since the 50s y'all. It was only released nationally this year.

We haven't tasted it yet, so we'll withhold judgement, but our guess is it tastes like Sprite. Or Slice. Or 7Up. Or Sierra Mist. Just a guess.

STELLAAAAA!!!!

So this incredibly French thirty seconds of screen has been around since the most recent Super Bowl. In fact, we believe it won recognition in the "most irritatingly like an art house short" category.

Adrian Brody, continuing a trend of increasingly random celebrity cameos in advertising, plays a suave jazz singer in a French bar, serenading the ladies. We weren't exactly sold either. We love you, Adrian, and have nothing against you as an actor, but it seems more likely that all those attractive young woman are weeping because your nose caught them in the eye.

All those poor, disappointed nose-bludgeoning victims realize they were alas not the object of Brody's affections when it is revealed that the whole time, he was singing about his empty beer glass. Once again, that delicate balance between funny and facepalm has been tipped toward the wrong end.

We begrudgingly award Stella Artois points for originality, and will say that there is some refreshment garnered from a beer ad in which no one tries to sell "here we go" as a catchphrase and no overt sexual innuendo is hurled at the viewer. The ad also has a polished look to it, with a muted color scheme and artsy camerawork.

Final verdict: keep trying, Stella. Every time we see that name, we want to scream it as loud as we can outside, over and over again, wearing a dirty white tank top. Maybe its just us?