We're Quitting This Gig To Become Pirates.

Sorry y'all. We've had a great run here at TIA, but it has become clear that the only life for us is a pirate's life, and the man responsible is Captain Henry Morgan.

Now, in the past we've ragged pretty heavily on ad campaigns for alcohol, because they're usually incredibly idiotic. Sometimes, however, it actually gets done right. Having said that, its only with their newest advertisements that the Cap'n has actually begun to shine. Commercials for Captain Morgan in the past have been your run-of-the-mill, frat humor laden, mediocre booze ads. So what changed?

To begin, drastically increased production value. The commercials look amazing. Also, there's a kind of ongoing story throughout the ads that, at the very least, is mildly interesting. Captain Henry Morgan is depicted as a handsome "man's man" type of dude, but at the same time is not an incredibly abstract "Chuck Norris" character. He seems like a guy you could swap stories with over a beer. Or, you know...some Captain Morgan. In every mini story, he's the one that keeps everything chill instead of kicking everyone's ass. Whether that's achieved by chucking glasses around or executing a perfect double front flip dive off the plank depends on the commercial.

The soundtrack on many of these ads is amazing. Songs featured include Iggy Pop's "The Passenger" and "Ball and Biscuit" by the White Stripes, and its easy to tell that some thought went into picking the right song for the right scene.

Now, all of that aside, its still apparent that this campaign shares something with its more mediocre counterparts: the commercials still have absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol itself. They serve to build and reinforce an image, just like those murder-inducing Jose Cuervo spots we discussed a few entries back. However, this one actually has some thought behind it, and does NOT try to act as if the things in the actually happen to real people. Also, no one says the word "cue." Not one time. It was great.

We invite you to watch the main ad below, and explore the others that the Cap'n has put out (spoiler alert: shameless Pirates reference). Maybe when you're finished you can help us figure out why all the rum is gone. Savvy?

1-800-DEBT-MART.

We know that's an eight-digit phone number, shut up.

Hey readers! We thought we'd finally come out of hiding to talk to y'all about something pretty important that's been at the back of our minds constantly of late. It also coincides quite nicely with the current economical state of affairs here in the U.S.of A.

That is to say, biggity brokeness.

Unless you're some kind of protozoa living on the bottom of the ocean, you've undoubtedly heard that our country's credit rating has been lowered from triple A awesome to double A Plus not-as-great. This precipitated 500-point drops in the DOW, mass riots, looting, and goat-sacrificing in the streets as people babbled frantic prayers to the Economy. Several decades worth of anecdotal evidence has already proven that Economy is a cold, aloof God however, so their prayers went unheard and unanswered, and the streets ran red with madness.

Oh, that didn't happen? Right, the media just made it seem as if that happened. As per usual. Despite the lack of goat sacrifices though, this is still the latest and most crippling symptom of the flawed political and economical system we live with. People are talking about a "double-dip" recession. We didn't know "recession" was a flavor of ice cream, but that's neither here nor there.

"Good lord, this is already as long as the last post we read, and we only read that because we felt sorry for you. Get to the point." We will, you don't have to be a dick about it. What this recent economic sh*tstorm has made us notice is all the "1-800-LOAN-MART" commercials and their ilk plaguing our television and radio.

Furniture stores and places like Rent-A-Center have commercials airing with lines like, "No credit? No problem!" Car dealerships continue to offer financing to people with horrible credit and things like DUIs on their records. Cash advance places have you put up your car as collateral, meaning they can take your means of transportation if you cannot pay the loan back which, let's be honest, you won't be able to if you're using a cash advance service. This type of irresponsible "you won't REALLY have to pay for it" marketing and services are helping absolutely no one. In fact, they make the problem worse.

It was people trying to live beyond their means in the housing market that were a large part of the 2008 market collapse, and people are still being foreclosed on by their banks three years later. Unemployment has skyrocketed. Congress are acting like a day care center full of petulant brats instead of civil servants. Something needs to change. As a country, we need to stop living beyond our means to achieve an American dream that doesn't really exist for a large group of the population and was nebulously defined to begin with. We can tell you how. All you have to do is buy our book and give us all your money.

Happy Pills.

Readers, the irresponsibility of supplement marketing never ceases to amaze us. For lo and behold, what should we come across while watching Comedy Central at the not-that-late hour of 11p.m.-ish than a shady advertisement for the world's ten millionth miracle "happy pill," Welltabs.

The middle-aged and quite motherly looking spokeswoman tells you that this little supplement will solve all your problems. That crappy mood you're always in. That physical weakness you've been feeling. The constant anxiety. Your long-since-derailed marriage. Hell, it'll even bring your dead cat Snookums back to life, without all the "Pet Cemetery" side effects. Oh, and none of these claims have been, or are required to be, evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. But whatever, right? Pseudo-mom's never steered you wrong before.

Turns out that according to WebMD, the active ingredient in Welltabs, Withania Somnifera, is a derivative of the Ashwagandha root, none of the effects of which have ever been proven definitively. It's listed as "containing chemicals that MIGHT calm the brain, reduce swelling, lower blood pressure, and alter the immune system (our emphasis on the word 'might')."

It would appear to us that Welltabs are (spoiler alert, lulz) a glorified placebo. One made all the more potent by the fact that it may actually have some physical effect. There is no miracle pill to cure all of life's problems. If you're in a sh*t mood all the time, chances are it may have something to do with your terrible job, terrible house, and the fact that you never quite finished that Associate's Degree.

Would you like to have more energy readers? Exercise. Better mood? Exercise again. Wanna not be fat? Change your diet. You see where we're going here. By and large, society would have you believe that buying some quick-fix product will solve every problem you have, even the ones you didn't know you had until they told you. This is essentially offering a band-aid for a compound fracture, but they could care less as long as you give them your money. Absolutely repugnant.

The Youngest, Freshest 125-Year-Olds Around.

Does that phrase seem like a bit of a dichotomy to you, readers? Because it should. Because it is. That does not seem to be something Mercedez Benz understands, or at least something they choose to overlook.

These ads were actually heard on the radio rather than television, and the two we've heard so far make damn sure to squeeze those buzzwords right into that 30-second timeslot (no "that's what she said" jokes, okay).

Like most advertising, it makes very little sense if you take the extra couple seconds to step back and look at the message in the context of what its actually selling; what the product actually is and how much of a relation it actually has to the theme of the ad containing it. These ones are selling a luxury car that's been around for roughly one hundred and twenty-five YEARS by pairing it with the words "young" and "fresh." We hope that makes your head hurt as much as ours does.

This fundamental flaw is caused entirely by the lies in the language. By using the aforementioned words in the context they do, Benz is implying that "young" and "fresh" mean the same thing as "innovative", "intelligent", and perhaps "daring." By extension they hope to associate those traits with their vehicles, and by even further extension, their customers will believe those traits acquired themselves if they could only get their asses in the seat of a new Mercedes Benz.



Looking down our noses at you since...well, since always.

The reality? There's no connection whatsoever between the machines Mercedes sells and the meaningless buzzphrases they throw around. More accurately, its an entirely mental one built on the pretension of their core customer base: people that sell the same kind of empty crap to others for a living on a regular basis. But perhaps we're generalizing.

The fact that they try to sell the "youth" angle while actually telling you they're 125 years old in their ad is proof of the shameless, spin-doctor-esque pandering they don't think we'll see. Oh, our apologies. They're not 125 years old, they're "backed by 125 years of innovation."

Going further, this also serves up proof of how youth-obsessed a small but heavily publicized portion of our population is. We're not all like that, but we're constantly inundated with reminders that we should be. Every new makeup, shampoo, and juicebox that comes out has "anti-aging" properties backed by the latest natural, antioxidant, stem-cell, infant tear sciency-science. These ads are aimed almost exclusively at people in places like Los Angeles and New York, who tend to be involved in youth-worshiping showbusiness, but not everyone takes that into account.

Just watch out for that ever-present bullsh*t, readers. And maybe key a Mercedes next time you see one parked sideways, taking up two spaces. Seriously, who do they think they are.

P.S. Yes, we kind of ripped off "Cracked.com" a little with the caption picture. Suck it.

It Pays The Doctors. Boy.

You may have heard about the recent search for a new voice to squawk forth from the Aflac duck's infamous beak. Or maybe, since you undoubtedly have a life, you haven't. You might not even know that the original voice-over-er of said duck, Gilbert Gottfried, was recently let go because of some Twitter-based remarks. Well, there was, and he was. Which brings us to the decidedly un-historical unveiling of the new commercial.

We found ourselves laughing, unexpectedly. Because, readers, the star of this commercial is not the Aflac duck. Oh no. Its the Major Medical pigeon. This pigeon, who obviously hails from the mean streets, challenges the duck to a dance off in front of a peaceful park bench with two broken-legged citizens as witnesses. The pigeon is then soundly defeated, but that doesn't change the fact that we want, and would wear every day, a t-shirt with the phrase, "pays the doctaz, BOI!" and the Major Medical pigeon. With wings tauntingly outstretched, of course.

Whimsical nature of the commercial aside, the behavior of the dancing fowl does raise an interesting point. Gottfried was fired from what we assume is the best (and practically only) work he's had in years because of a couple of jokes about Japan's situation. Said jokes have been called racist; we're of the mind that they lean more towards callous and insensitive.

The question is this: are the jokes made in this commercial any better? The comedy does play on racial stereotypes to a degree. It appears harmless, but it could be said that the pigeons are behaving like stereotypical Black people. It could also be said that it wasn't just that group of people that became swept up by the break-dancing fad of the 80s, and the joke was made at the expense of that culture rather than Black people. We're of the mind that it behooves anyone who thinks the former to acquire a sense of humor and/or cram it, but don't let that influence your opinion if you feel differently; we'd love to hear from you.

So Hey...This Is An Actual Thing.

Every once in a while, readers, something comes our way which the world has an absolutely dire need to know about. This is one such thing. Its a dating website...for cougars. Just in case the name "cougarlife.com" didn't spell that out for you.

We've discussed online dating before, however this ad brought to mind all the other skeevy, niche-market sites floating around out there. One might say, "but wait, a dating website for older women isn't such a sketchy thing," and you'd be right. If they didn't present it in the way that they do.

The commercial, with its catchy jingle that we just know will be stuck in your head for days (you're welcome), looks almost like something you'd see in the wee hours of the morning right after those ads so generously informing you of the "hot singles" waiting to talk to you on the big plastic phone you totally still have.

Cougarlife.com also makes sure to tell us they were voted "the wildest online dating site." Oh really. By who, the scruffy deviant burning up his keyboard mid-commercial? They're saying "come here for sex with older women," basically. The best part? The cheesy cougar snarl sound effect right at the end.

And this is just one tiny mote of skeez in the storm that is the internet. Among the sleaziest in the online dating realm are websites that help people cheat on their spouses/significant others/whatever you'd like to call them. And no, we're not going to name or link you to any of them; they deserve no traffic. Our take on that particular subject? If you're cheating on whoever it is that you're with, sack up and end the relationship. If you're a lady, take that metaphorically.

But we digress. Check the cougarlife ad out. Listen to the jingle. Sing the jingle at work and make people look at you funny. Just don't be surprised if you join and get bombarded with requests from a 500-pound cat lady, because no, they're not all as hot as the ones in the commercial. Duh.

P.S. please pay no attention to the weird man in his underwear after the cougarlife.com ad ends. We're pretty sure someone recorded this on their television while watching Comedy Central, and it was the only good version of this commercial we could find. Carry on.

Aggression...In Its Most Pretentious Form.

Now, readers, we've always had a grudge against those who would use the egregious power of a luxury car like, say, a Mercedes or an Audi, to drive like a flaming douchebag. That's why the new Acura ad had us genuinely interested...until the end. When they basically endorsed that kind of behavior.

The cello music in the background (apparently an original score just for the commercial), the dark color palette, and the effects used were all pretty unique. They even had a good basic idea. Everything flows quite smoothly until the announcer starts talking: "It works with cars. It works with people. Acura; aggression in its most refined form."

On the surface this may not seem like an endorsement of douche-like behavior. But look just a little closer. Aggression. What crowd are they marketing that idea to? The people who can afford an Acura, meaning upper-middle to upper class. Probably predominantly connected to the field of business in some way. The people selling this car are pairing the ideals of wealth and luxury with aggression, and thereby attaching to it a positive connotation.

Granted, this happens on a very subconscious level, but neither is it an accident that the voiceover is worded in that way. It speaks to the fact that a cutthroat demeanor is still seemingly prized as the trait of a successful person as conventionally defined in mainstream American culture. In turn, people in that echelon of society, thinking it a mark of status, begin to act in a selfish, almost anti-social way. These same people then buy luxury cars, like Acuras, and cut us off on the 405. See? It all comes full circle.

"Cue" The Idiocy.

"Cue the tables. Cue the chairs. Cue the crowd. Cue the lights. Cue the bar. Cue the..." It goes on, and on, and on, until you forget you're watching a thirty second commercial and slowly begin to slip into madness. The kind of madness that occurs when a word is said so many times, it loses its meaning and begins to sound strange despite a lifetime of use (seriously, say "floor" about fifty times and see if you don't start having an existential crisis).

Yes, like a denizen of outer space that only has fragmented images of Broadway as a guide to understanding our culture, the new Jose Cuervo tequila ads find it necessary to "cue" everything. Oh, they did that because the word "cue" is already in the product title? Genius.

Snappy wordplay aside, there's another reason entirely that this campaign rubs us the wrong way like coarse-grade sandpaper. It follows the time-honored alcohol advertisement tradition of depicting the "good time" had by all when you're out pouring it into your head. That (and the cake) is, more often that not, a lie. We're not all pretty, trendy white kids that live within walking distance of high-end bars and pretentious loft apartments, either. And if we were, we wouldn't drink Jose Cuervo.

In reality, we figure the voice-over would be something more like: "Cue the skeevy dive bar. A few shots later, cue the meth-addled hooker you'd never normally talk to. Cue the cab ride back to her place. Cue waking up to a pretty damn awkward breakfast on skid row. Cue the Cuervo."

Alright, so it probably wouldn't be that bad, but we think you can see what we're trying to infer. If you don't go out and drink Cuervo tonight, reader, rest assured that you probably won't be missing out on the The Greatest Night of Your Life. We hope that helps you collectively breathe a little easier.

Lightning In A Bottle.

Guess who's back. Back again. Blog is back. But, don't tell a friend; no one knows we're staying here and we'd like to keep it that way for a while. Low pro kid, low pro. But methinks we doth digress too much.

With this entry we've decided to continue the trend we began in our last post of looking at, well, trends in the advertising world. Perhaps we should explain that by "trend" we mean that we've noticed a similarity in subject matter across the ad spectrum, from eyeglasses to soda: it seems that it has become very desirable to pair one's product with the nebulous force of "creativity." Specifically, to imply that one's product is the secret to unlocking said force.

It can be found in any medium: a poster for Oakley's prescription eyeglasses adorning a Lenscrafters wall reads, "Perform beautifully." Pictured is a female musician standing in front of a microphone, wearing a pair of Oakley specs. A television ad for Sprite brand soda depicts a conglomeration of ideas bombarding a screenwriter after he takes a sip of the soda. The slogan? "Its the spark." The implication is glaringly obvious.

Why is it that a large portion of Americans seem to respond more to a product if its endorsed by celebrities in the creative field, particularly actors or musicians? Why is it that we apparently want to be so much like them, or rather that they are depicted as the ideal? Is it because they seem to us to be the more successful people in our society, because they've achieved a high level of monetary gain while simultaneously remaining free of the Man, man? Is that actually true?

There's nothing wrong with being in the creative field, if you have the talent for it (although the definition of talent lately could be called dubious in large part), but why do we have "celebrities" endorsing every product? Why not scientists or authors or the like, if the product or charity or whatever this week's cause is merits that? They are also creators, though not in the sense that has become mainstream. What we have now in where society sees fit to place reverence or respect seems to be the equivalent of someone defining "culture" as being merely music and food.

Read it, digest it, and don't get gas from it, fantastic people. It does your body good, without that annoying mustache. Let us know your take on it, and we'll do our best to respond promptly and foster discussion. Some examples we've seen on television are posted below.

Sprite "spark" ad:



Diet Coke ad:

Those Poor, Overused Words.

Hello again readers! Fret not, for we are back with more advertising-themed, bloggy goodness for you to waste roughly five minutes reading! We had to take a brief hiatus due to circumstances beyond our control, namely the relocating of headquarters, and we know you missed us. We missed you too. All eight of you. Seriously, we came this close to perching on a tree branch outside your window.

But alas, the memory of that restraining order is still too clear in our minds. Moving on, we thought it would be interesting to put just a slight twist on TIA this week and discuss not an advertisement, but a trend within them that has attracted our notice. And our ire.

Readers, have you ever noticed how often certain words are used in advertisements across every medium? Words like: revolutionary, natural, all-new, active, and organic? Or how about pseudo-scientific titles and phrases like, "active naturals" or "dynamic inertia?" It seems that the very language of the marketing world is designed to misdirect and cloud. And that apparently the powers that be in said world believe us too stupid to see this.

Granted, most of the words and phrases used are very subtle, and often subconsciously reinforced by the imagery of the ad. For example, some people wearing lab coats in the newest "anti-aging" cream television spot. Or how about the sound of a car engine to illustrate the new Benz's power on a radio ad, shooting an image into your brain of driving it down some windy mountain road?

However, it takes only a little closer look at the fine print to discern that you're not actually getting a great deal on that new car after all. You know the fast-talking lawyer at the end of every car advert? We think he should just say "blahblahblahblah everythingwetoldyouwasalie." Its simpler.

As long as we're talking about expensive machines, are we alone in the assumption that the more expensive the product, the more convoluted the smokescreen? The newest shampoo doesn't come with the commitment of an annual contract, so there's markedly less deception. By no means none, just less. The way things are worded -forty dollars a month for the first year, qualified lessees with tier one credit- is designed to skirt the issue that you're dropping some serious coin while most likely becoming locked into a difficult, long-term contract. Let us know your thoughts, or share any examples of this you've noticed.

These are the kinds of things we think about while we're away from you, dear readers. Let us know your thoughts, or share any examples of this you've noticed. We'd love to read them. Its the closest thing to human interaction we get, since you haven't returned any of our phone calls asking to go out for coffee...

If Your Dog Is Fat...F*ck You.

We hear people say all the time that our nation has a problem with obesity. Those people are usually hipsters, Al Gore, or Morgan Spurlock, but this may just prove it. Dear and cherished readers, we give you...a weight loss program for your dog.

The tireless minds at Hill Science Diet pet food have indeed come up with a new 30-day plan to help your pet lose weight and get healthier. They've even teamed up with actress Alison Sweeney (of The Biggest Loser and Days of Our Lives fame) to boost their image, perhaps hoping that people will take her current gig hosting the weight loss reality show as expertise of some kind.

Hill's web page for the product extolls the virtues of its plan through the use of portion control and small snack biscuits to keep your pet "satisfied" between meals. As we sat there, eyes agog and mouth hanging open, we had to wonder: what have we come to if we need portion control for. Our. Dogs.

Here's a novel thought: if your dog is fat, take it for a walk. Or better yet, a run. Pets need exercise. A lot of it. We were under the impression that was one of the first things one learns when they get their first dog as a bright-eyed child. Feed it regularly, make sure it goes to the bathroom outside, and WALK IT.

It would appear, however, that people would rather hemorrhage money buying expensive "plans" for their dog than take it on a walk every once in a while. Not really surprising, given the fact that some humans would rather undergo major surgery than attempt lifestyle changes that require a modicum of discipline (note: we are not saying that everyone that goes out to get the lap band and/or gastric bypass surgery is lazy. we realize there is sometimes no alternative. now cue the "the more you know" star and get out of our faces).

What's your take readers? You know we love hearing from you. You never call. You never write. We're just a little worried.

When The Pigs Try To Get At You...Drink A Soda.

Summer is coming. The air is getting warmer, the days are getting longer, and if you live near the coast, the freaks are coming out. Specifically, the Sun Drop chick.

Yes, the mascot of this citrus-tastic beverage looks like she moonwalked directly out of Napoleon Dynamite and onto your screen, and she's "droppin' it" across the nation. Honestly, when we saw this woman we knew not whether to laugh or cry...we were mesmerized.

Which isn't surprising given that the whole advert goes for that head-scratchingly random vibe we've become increasingly familiar with lately. Exhibit A: random dancing everywhere from a yoga class to a fishing boat. Some differences stand out though.

For one thing, Sun Drop chick just seems super friendly, which makes no sense considering the extremely provocative dance she's doing. If she backed it up next to our car window, we'd try to give her a hug. And she'd probably let us. Probably. Another thing on the less positive side: the voiceover actor for this commercial sounds like the bastard child of Tracy Morgan and Marlon Brando in The Godfather; pretty much Tracy Morgan with a mouthful of marbles. That makes us angry.

Now, this is a recent commercial we have seen only moments ago, yet it has already become something of a sensation, spawning a Mountain Dew parody and other spoof videos on YouTube. Another thing to pop in the "revelations" file: this soda has wet the whistles of people in the good ol' souf' since the 50s y'all. It was only released nationally this year.

We haven't tasted it yet, so we'll withhold judgement, but our guess is it tastes like Sprite. Or Slice. Or 7Up. Or Sierra Mist. Just a guess.

STELLAAAAA!!!!

So this incredibly French thirty seconds of screen has been around since the most recent Super Bowl. In fact, we believe it won recognition in the "most irritatingly like an art house short" category.

Adrian Brody, continuing a trend of increasingly random celebrity cameos in advertising, plays a suave jazz singer in a French bar, serenading the ladies. We weren't exactly sold either. We love you, Adrian, and have nothing against you as an actor, but it seems more likely that all those attractive young woman are weeping because your nose caught them in the eye.

All those poor, disappointed nose-bludgeoning victims realize they were alas not the object of Brody's affections when it is revealed that the whole time, he was singing about his empty beer glass. Once again, that delicate balance between funny and facepalm has been tipped toward the wrong end.

We begrudgingly award Stella Artois points for originality, and will say that there is some refreshment garnered from a beer ad in which no one tries to sell "here we go" as a catchphrase and no overt sexual innuendo is hurled at the viewer. The ad also has a polished look to it, with a muted color scheme and artsy camerawork.

Final verdict: keep trying, Stella. Every time we see that name, we want to scream it as loud as we can outside, over and over again, wearing a dirty white tank top. Maybe its just us?

Super B-A-R-F.

A nuclear bomb of schmaltz. That is the only way we can begin to describe the newest commercials Old Navy has begun airing on television screens across America. One of them has the fictional girl-group stars of the ad singing a little ditty called, "Welcome To The Ankle Show." The other features a Kim Kardashian look-alike singing a song about being, "super c-u-t-e," whatever she may be doing. We're not kidding.

"The ankle show" is by far the more ridiculous of the two. The entire 30-second song is a failed attempt to sexify the ankle. We'd like to ask the people at Old Navy: have you looked closely at an ankle? Its the least sexy part of the leg. Perhaps of the entire body. Its weird. Its knobby. Its not provocative at all, unless the definition of the word has reverted to what it was in the 17th century. "I say, Wentworth, that willful harridan is running around with exposed ankles! Good lord, get the constable post-haste!"

There's campy done right, and then there's this. No one reined it in, and now its out of control and kicking people in the metaphorical head. With metaphorical, campy-ass, horseshoed hooves.

We struggle to comprehend why some companies like to make such corniness their standard. Sure, it sticks in the memory, but if it were up to us, we'd rather be remembered for wit or poignancy in advertising than boring into people's minds with unbelievable, corny corn. Little, yellow, evil kernels of it. Its worse than candy corn.

In sum, these spots are all flash and no substance. Garishly so. Oh, and that DJ in the "ankle show" commercial looks like a 5th Element reject. Think about that.

No, She Doesn't Come With The Bottle.

We of the humble TIA team are all for health, and completely in favor of taking care of oneself, but when you're cobbling together an advertisement to try and sell us something that could possibly aid in that goal, we'd prefer one or two facts in there.

What we're talking about (Willis) are the three ads that POM Wonderful juice has recently cranked out. Each one looks like a terrible Calvin Klein spot, and you believe you know what you're in for. But you're wrong. Because they're selling juice. Arguably, using pseudo-artsy black and white erotica to sell fruit blood is even more horrible than using it to sell man-perfume. Its a very close tie, however.

We've been watching a lot of Hulu here at the TIA office, and of the three, the "Adam and Eve" spot is the one we're exposed to with the most frequency in between quips on Glee. Shut up, don't judge us.

It begins with the narrator (Malcolm McDowell, oddly enough) spinning the biblical yarn of Adam and Eve. We see a snake. It climbs over a basically naked woman as McDowell lets us in on the secret that, "some scholars" believe it was a pomegranate, not an apple, that Eve tempted Adam with. Just when you're recovering from that knowledge bomb, he says POM wonderful is "backed by modern science." Would that be naked snake science? Because that's all we saw.

Now, TIA sees nothing wrong with the female figure, or snakes. We simply fail to see what it has to do with juice. What it has to do with selling the juice, on the other hand, is painfully obvious. Scores upon scores of advertisements use overt sexual innuendo to push product, to the point that the most ludicrous things (like f*cking juice) are striving to become entangled with it in our subconscious. The image of an attractive naked woman, coupled with the phallic imagery (don't bitch out now) of the snake attempt to couple the arousal they hope to elicit from said images with POM wonderful juice.

We wouldn't even take issue with the depiction of a naked woman on television (it was done with some class) if it weren't for our society schizophrenically condemning sex one minute and then using it to sell junk to us the next. The proverbial sex carrot is forever dangled out of our reach, it seems, and that can screw with a person's psyche on a level they don't even realize.

Well, we hope you've enjoyed "a very special Truth In Advertising." And please report back to us on your opinions of the sexualization of the advertising world, and its societal implications. This will count for 40 percent of your grade.

Four Times The Douche.

Look here Taco Bell, it isn't bad enough that you pump deadly, deadly fast food through the collective veins of a defenseless America; you have to assault our eyeballs with this as well? Not to mention our ears. Ever since we caught the ad for the new bovine infarction (excuse us, "quad steak") burrito, we've had its ridiculous jingle stuck in our heads.

It replays frame-by-frame constantly. The pasty, chinless man at the piano bleating, "fo' times the STEEAAAKK-UH." The audience joining in, clapping the rhythm like he's Billy Joel in the middle of "Piano Man." The pasty pianist's head tweaking at impossible angles as he decries the deliciousness of the "quad steak." Giant images of cow meat rotating in thin air behind him as he plays, seemingly unwitting. It approaches something out of an Eli Roth movie.

Speaking of cow meat, your mom called. Just kidding. Actually this whole "four times the steak" deal started us pondering what's been going on for years in the fast food industry: steadily increasing proportion size. As just one example, if you hadn't heard already, Starbuck's coffee recently introduced a thirty ounce size to its lineup. Thirty. Ounces. Of coffee.

In the Taco Bell spot, and countless others, horrible gluttony has become somehow equated with manhood, which makes it that much harder to remove it from our collective psyche, in TIA's humble opinion. Pretty soon they'll just be offering us whole, deep-fried cows to gnaw on.

We can feel you thinking, "preachyyyy," so we'll stop getting all Green Day on you and simply bottom-line this. The ad is awful. No one eats Taco Bell dressed in formal wear, they eat it in their underwear. On the couch. We'd love it if there were a live show with your meal in fast food places for us humble folk, but that doesn't look to be happening anytime soon either.

Taco Bell did, however, come up with a jingle that successfully lodges itself in people's brains. On the business side, that's a win. It'll make people more likely to remember the product. On the normal human side, its a crime against our senses. In addition to the ones they've already committed against our mouth. We may petition the U.N. when we finish writing this.

One final note, to the YouTube user who said the Taco Bell "quad steak" jingle reminded them of Queen (yes, THAT Queen): we are going to find you. We are going to set you on fire.

"I'm Gettin' Stupid Loose."

We know this one's a bit of a throwback, since its been on the tube for a couple of months at least, but its just so incredible. Not to mention a refreshing angle on internet dating. Zoosk is the name, and they don't appear to take themselves too seriously.

Unlike other dating websites (read "Eharmony and Match.com"), who claim to be able to hand you the perfect relationship in a neat little test tube, the message behind the Zoosk campaign appears to be, "Hey, whatever you're into. We got it." Now, whether that's good or bad, we leave up to you, reader. It goes without saying that any website of this ilk is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. And not the weepy, inspirational kind.

Online dating is nothing to be scoffed at, however. Its become something of a "growth industry," as the suits like to say (please note our use of the term "suits" and its indication of our anti-establishment standing). Once a source of derision and scorn, its rapidly becoming mainstream, as the ads take great delight in reminding us.

But, we digress. Female readers may find this week's ad especially entertaining, since it features two female coworkers checking out people's social networking *cough* Facebook *cough* profiles on the internet (you know, stalking bitches. we've all done it; get the hell off your soapbox). Flashback to a blind date with a professionally sponsored darts player gone horribly wrong. Seriously, we're pretty sure the guy at the end is dead.

The spot is quite obviously targeted at twenty-something women in your typical office workplace. From the casting, we'd actually like to ad "super-attractive" to that demographic list. Zoosk isn't run by idiots. They subconsciously try and net the dudes too. We're sure there's a swarm of hot twenty-something women just waiting for us to try and pick up on them. So they can laugh at us. And another little piece of us can die.

This week's reader question: what's your take on online dating? Is it legitimate? Does the use of electronics in the courting process remove essential human interaction? Will Cartman ever find out who his father is? Get us back.

Shhh, No Words. Just Piano.

Here at TIA, we believe that there are some product mascots that could give even the fabled Chuck Norris a run for his money in the bad-assery department. Very few, but there are some. We're gonna throw a name at you, are you ready for this? Chester Cheetah. Don't you walk away from this blog before we make our case. Sit back down.

Whether he's whispering in people's ears, telling them to stuff some Cheetos up the nose of that noisy, snoring passenger on the red-eye flight, or conducting experiments with frightening little Cheeto bees and men in oompa-loompa getups, he is everywhere. And with his perpetual sunglasses and white tufts of hair, he's like the guy who created the matrix-or colonel Sanders-but cooler. And with no greasy, gag-inducing chicken to worry about.

The bottom line is, Chester Cheetah can make people do things. Mischievous things. Not-quite-horrible things. Disregarding the fact that the dust from his snacks gives us the screaming willies when its on our fingers, that is a trait to be admired.

The latest incarnation of double C is manifested in a piano store, playing "Chopsticks" (quite badly) over and over again next to a homely looking woman who could either be the bellhop at the hotel across the street or work at the store (we're not entirely sure, but based on her attire we'd bank on the former). A man who boldly snacks in unconventional places (like piano stores) is bugged so hard that he has to speak up, and hilarity ensues.

The ad only has one line, really all we need, and still manages to fill us with pleasant schadenfreude while at the same time be slightly off-putting. Don't worry, we'll link you to the definition. Keep it up, Chester.

"Eat Both Squares, Please."

Sharks. Kodiak bears of the deep. Nightmare machines. Eaters of...Snickers. Yeah buddy. As if there weren't enough reasons why sharks gave you the screaming heebie-jeebies, now they're coming after your snack food. Specifically, after you've already eaten it.

Snickers now comes in a dual-square package, apparently, and they've decided to test this product out on focus groups full of the deep-sea predators. The ad has a gaggle of them in a conference room discussing which of two different people they ate was more scrumptious. The consensus, of course, being Steve. The one who'd just eaten Snickers.

We think the concept for the ad was brilliant. In large part, ads for Snickers have been hit and miss; trying for but never quite getting that laugh generated from the completely random comedy that's worked so well for companies like Doritos. However, shark focus groups have been dynamite for the Snickers business plan. In fact, we can see other companies following suit: your next cell phone tested for durability by a pride of lions, perhaps.

And really, our eyes have been opened to what sparkling conversationalists sharks can be. And so polite! Why, one of them even said "please" after asking the next hapless intern that stumbled into the room to eat both squares.

So reader, now that we've gotten you into the mood (what?), this week we'd like you to weigh in on the issue of comedy in advertising. There are no limitations on medium; we won't force you to discuss strictly television ads.

Do you think its an effective tool? Does it make you remember the ad any better? If you've heard a funny one on the radio or something in your favorite magazine made you giggle like a little schoolgirl, let us know about it. Until next week, stay the hell out of the water.

Don't Get Shot Bitch.

Season two of cable network FX's newbie drama Justified is so close, we can taste the chewin' tabacca already. We decided to go ahead and ramp up that anticipation a little further by drawing the reader's attention to the teaser trailer for season "dos."

But first, a quick overview of the show for those who may have, for whatever reason, been hiding under a rock and not fulfilling your television-watching duties as an American. Based on the novels of Elmore Leonard, the show follows the travels, trials and bullet casings of US Marshall Rayland Givens. Reassigned to his backwoods hometown after shooting mobster Tommy Bucks in cold blood ( who was given 48 hours to leave town, only fair), Givens finds himself up to his stylish, wide-brimmed Stetson in the criminal element. The only logical course left to him is to go about dispensing gritty, gun-slinging justice.

The minute and a half trailer is a recap of season one, full of signature scenes and one-liners from Rayland. Our favorite is the an exchange between Rayland and an unfortunate thug he happened to get the drop on: "Next time I see you, I'll kill you." "Isn't that the line you used on Tommy Bucks?" "Yes. How'd that work out for him?"

We'd like to offer specific kudos to whomever picked the song ("Little Lovin" by an artist named Lissie: alliteration win). The music is a sort of cross between honky tonk and folk rock that at once sets the tone and brings the package together, tying it all up neatly with a bow of gritty, Southern bad-assery.

We're looking forward to more shooting, more intrigue, and more gallows wit in the second season. FX hasn't let us down before, we doubt they will now. Are you hearing us, FX? Do right by us, or we'll shoot you. With mind bullets.

"Kreep" Begins With K, If You Spell It Wrong.

With the fabled "holiday season" *cough* Christmas *cough* just recently behind us, we're sure all those warm memories are still fresh in your heads. Visions of sugarplums. Family dinners. A roaring fire. Mostly though, the constant deluge of jewelry and fragrance commercials.

Now, without exception all of these commercials are painfully shmaltzy, but the gilded crown of corniness goes to none other than Kay Jewelers. Its difficult for us to know where to begin tearing this marketing campaign to pretty little confetti-like shreds, but the bald emotional manipulation seems as good a place as any to start.

All of the ads for Kay's "love's embrace" collection depict a man showing his love for a woman by giving her some gaudy (and more often than not ridiculous-looking) rock. While on the surface, just about anyone will tell you they don't feel compelled to go out and buy a diamond just because of a stupid commercial, the subconscious cues used here set these ridiculous circumstances as cultural norms.

Women feel like their man doesn't love them if he doesn't spend three months' salary on a hunk of rock to adorn their digit. Men feel like they aren't macho enough if they don't have the green to drop on one. It all becomes another instance of materialism masquerading as affection. Besides, all of that, some poor children in Africa probably died digging that diamond out of some rat-hole mineshaft. You just bought your boo a blood diamond. You feel good about that, crew-neck creeper guy? Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Diamonds are murder.

Add to that weird settings and atrocious acting, and you've got a recipe for victory. If you define victory as an advertisement abomination. One of the commercials, which we'll post below because we know you've all seen it, is set in a log cabin during a raging storm. We'll skip past asking why they decided to get all rustic during hurricane Ike and point out that this is how EVERY single slasher movie starts. Jason broke out and slew everyone in that commercial as soon as the cameras were done rolling.

Come to think of it, it may actually have been the woman's husband that did the killing, because the creepiness of the men in these commercials is surpassed by none, and we say that with love. We recommend taking a look at another commercial in the series just to drive the point home. In it, the man proposing responds to his lady saying she, "doesn't remember this place," by saying "you will," in a tone that would have us busting out the glass and grabbing for the emergency fire hatchet. Just watch it.

We may be overreacting. There are women everywhere who will dispute the claims of materialism and insist large hunks of minerals on their fingers or necks have emotional value. The belief seems deeply ingrained in us. You, reader, may think we're insane. For the record, we ARE broke and bitter. As always, the final word is really up to you. Creepy cabin ad, comin' atcha.